Where It All Began...

Chris and I met in our high school art class. I was the outspoken kid that always disrupted the class and he was the shy, sensitive type. He wore fishnet arm sleeves and chains and I wore jeans and t-shirts. He had long blond hair that was always just long enough to pull behind his ear but never long enough to stay there. He tried to get my attention so much and I just didn't see him that way. He was just the guy next to me in art class that could hear my shenanigans the loudest. Apparently he had a friend of mine ask me what I thought of him. I told her I liked him but didn't like his hair. I don't know if we ever would have dated in high school had I known he had a crush on me. Later on, when I asked him when he started having a crush on me, he told me it was the first time he heard me speak. I asked him what I had said. Apparently it went like this:

I sat down on the first day of art class in a huff.
"My grandma called my boobs "ta-ta's" this morning! Hi, I'm Amanda."

...and that's when he knew.

After that class, we lost touch. I didn't see him again until the summer of 2004. If it wasn't for that same friend I told you about who had asked me if I was interested in him back in high school, I never would have recognized him. I had come to see her at her job and he was behind the counter. I had just broken up with my first real boyfriend and was in the "date everyone that breathes" phase of my life.

I went up to the counter with some movies to be rung up and this very shy guy who never even looked me directly in the eyes took care of me. He was smiling nervously which if you know me at all, you know I love that. People joke that I'm a sucker for nerds but it isn't that, it's that awkwardness about them that makes me want to eat them up. This guy had that AND he was sexy. I took my movies and met back up with the friend I was there to visit. I asked her who the cute blond with the arm band was. She laughed and goes "Chris Rawlins! Don't you remember him? From our art class?"

I was in shock. He had totally hunked out on me! His hair was cut short (ironically he told me he had just finally done it the day before) and he looked really good to me in that polo work shirt as opposed to the band shirts and goth attire I always remembered him in. I asked her if he was dating anyone and she told me he had just broken up with a long-time girlfriend. All the stars were in place... for a little while.

After a whirlwind of on-and-off dating, he just couldn't get the commitment out of me that he so desperately wanted. He loved me more than I could love him at the time. I look back on that so sadly when he reminds me that I was the first person he ever loved and that I broke his heart. His last attempt was over dinner. He told me that there was a girl at his work that liked him and that he was going to pursue it if I wasn't ready to be with him 100%. After all his previously failed attempts to tie me down, he was laying down the gauntlet.

I said no.

He was devastated.

It was the biggest mistake of my life.

A few weeks later, I would come to my senses. But it was too late. He had accidently gotten that "interested" girl he had told me about pregnant. And he was going to do the right thing and marry her. Now it was my turn to be devestated.

For 2 years after that I tried to fill the void. I searched for a guy that loved me like Chris did. I searched for someone to care about me the way he had wanted to and to want nothing from me but my whole heart. It's funny, when you go looking for those things, you usually find the opposite. At least for me I did. I ended up being with guys who I was basically with to subconciously punish myself for breaking Chris' heart. I knew he didn't love the girl he had to marry. I took full blame for him having even gotten her pregnant. If I would have just known that night at dinner that he was the one I wanted, too, then none of it would have happened. I hated myself... and it showed. Where my heart was concerned, it was the worst 2 years of my life.

Now I don't know if I believe in fate or destiny or if it's all just dumb luck, but how we got back together might be the reason the latter seems more likely. You know how when you open your first facebook account and it asks you if you want to find friends based on the email addresses you have in your address book? Well, in November of 2007, he was opening his first facebook account. He checked that little box without even thinking. He didn't realize at all that my email address was included in that search. On my end, I got a friend request. I hadn't seen or heard from him in so long at that point, but I didn't care. I was so happy to be hearing from him. Later, he admitted that he had no idea it had happened. I never in a million years would have talked to him if I had thought the friend request was unintentional. But that's where the fate part comes in, right?

We started talking about regular things, catching up and where we were working and such. It turned out he was only one exit away from where I was working. (More fate?) We decided to meet for lunch. On the day of our lunch, his car was in the shop and so I picked him up. I was so nervous. It had been so long and I didn't have any idea what we would still have in common or what he even looked like now. I had parked at the wrong entrance so he had to walk through the parking lot to get to me. I watched him walking towards me and my first thought was "Oh my god, I remember that walk". Chris has a very distinct walk. He calls it a girly walk, but I love it. All the memories of loving it came flooding back. During our lunch, even more came flooding back.

The only thing that had changed was his eyes. They were more sad and exhausted than ever before. And for good reason. He was going through the process of wanting a divorce. She was fighting it tooth and nail because no matter how much they didn't love eachother, her church would excommunicate her for divorcing. We talked for so long that my boss actually had to call and ask if I was coming back to work. He asked if I could give him a ride after work so that we could finish our conversation. I had to run some errands, but told him he could tag along if he wanted. I felt so sorry for him. All the guilt I always felt for not being who he wanted me to be was even worse when I realized how miserable his life was. Being a shoulder for him to lean on during his divorce was the least I could do. All I wanted was for him to know he had a friend in me. It honestly never even crossed my mind that he could still be in love with me after all this time.

Well, he was. It was almost 11pm and I was still up working on our company Christmas cards that I had taken home to finish for the next day. My phone rang and it was Chris. He was beyond upset. He asked if he could come over and talk. We stayed up all night and did just that. I won't describe to you all the wonderful and amazing things that happened after that because those are just for me and Chris. But from then on, we have been inseperable.

Chris and I have been through more in the last 3 years together than most couples experience in a lifetime. Divorce, a child, death, insane family members, and the list goes on and on. There has only ever been one thing that has always been guaranteed in our life together and that is that all we want is eachother. Good, bad, happy, miserable... all we know for sure is that nothing will ever make us not want to be partners through it all. Nothing in our relationship has been traditional or even normal, but our love only gets stronger with each crazy undertaking. We can survive anything and weather any storm. He is my best friend and I will love him until I can't breathe anymore and then I'll love him after that.

Yesterday was our 1 year wedding anniversary. We were laying in bed the other night and I asked him how he is so sure that we are still going to be together through all the ups and downs. He said...

"Well, 'cause I got 99 problems but my bitch ain't one."

...yup, that about sums it up.