A "Controlled" Environment

I'm pretty sure my husband has created a monster. Oh yes, I blame him. When I lived alone in my own apartment with only a responsibility to myself, I didn't care about anything. Dirty dishes? I'll get to them. Make the bed? Never. Clothes on the floor? Fuck 'em. Don't get me wrong, I'd clean if company was coming so to not look like an animal. Otherwise, who. freakin. cares.

But now? Well, now I've gone and caught the domestication virus. You get it from monogamy, ladies. There is no known cure.

Before I was married, I could sometimes wake up in the middle of my living room with rug burn on my face after a night of partying. Now the only thought process I have about my floor is how soon we can get our carpets shampooed. In my old apartment, I couldn't even tell you what the floors in my kitchen looked like. In my home now, I can tell you where every crack and crevice is located and the lot number for my dream tile in our new house. Instead of pondering where my next margarita is coming from, I ponder where the hell this dust keeps coming from.




I realize this should all be a good thing, but if you ask me (and sadly, my husband), this need for clean has turned me into a monster rather than just a great housekeeper. Why? Well, for starters, it makes me scream and yell and go bat shit bonkers... and normally on Chris. It makes me judge the hell out of myself when I don't mop. It makes me contemplate homicide when Chris fails to understand the importance of a dirty dish in the dishwasher rather than the sink and don't even get me started on his overall "I'll get to it later" attitude. I swear our divorce papers will read "failure to maintain cleanliness"... either that or his death certificate will. I kid, of course. In all honesty, though, why does Bitch-bot 2k10 get activated every time my home feels out of control?

I wish I could just relax. Or as Chris tells me, "chill the fuck out". My secret wish is that I could get a handle on the housework 100% like a real circa 1956 wife. I would love the energy and motivation to clean everything myself and have complete control of house chores. Chris wouldn't have to lift a finger and we'd both live in harmony. It would solve everything. The dirt and the bitching would all be over.

...or maybe I should make a new secret wish. Like, a maid.