I Stalk Your Baby...

That's right. I'm obsessed with mom blogs. I read literally dozens of them. My husband thinks I'm a looney tune because of it. I don't care. I LOVE YOUR BABIES! I also love seeing how different moms are in the way they do things. Overall, I'm fascinated by moms in general because they have children and, well, I don't. The idea that they change your life is so cool to me. It's like you are in on a secret that I don't know about because I haven't experienced it.

Why do I not have children of my own, you say? I'm glad you asked...

Chris and I don't want children yet. I wish I could spin that without sounding like a bad person, but it's the truth. We live the life of a couple without children. We like to sleep until noon, walk around naked (well that's mostly me), go to parties, stay out all night, take day trips at a moments notice, drink beer and play video games until all hours (again, mostly me) and, well, after all that there's no time left for a baby. Don't get me wrong, we like kids. I LOVE children and Chris is the most patient and loving person I know so I can very easily see kids in our future. Just not our immediate future. Or maybe not even at all. Who knows? Not me. And I'm cool with that and so is Chris.

Now, being the planner that I am, I may not exactly know when and if I'll start a family, but you better believe I have the details all stitched up for when and if I do. While you guys were out actually having babies, I was still on the fence and wondering why my maternal clock wasn't going off. So, I began absorbing myself in everything I could (including your blogs!) to get an idea of all the options you have as a parent. Basically I've done all the leg work I can, just without first hand knowledge. I finally compiled a list of all the things I want to do and be as a parent. In case you're interested, of course.

Please feel free to mock me all you want. I know I'm going to get at least one or two people say "Oh you think that NOW but just wait!" after reading this list but c'mon, a girl can dream, right? And hey, moms with blogs that I WORSHIP on a daily basis, please don't think I judge your parenting methods if they differ from my thoughts on something. Every single one of you deserve a medal for all the wonderful choices you make, whatever they may be, and I never once have thought negatively about any parent's choices. That is your kid, you have every right to do whatever the hell you want and don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise!


1. Music.


Chris was in bands and plays bass and guitar (very well I might add!). I am a lover of all music from hip hop to classical piano and even gospel music. I like to crank it up loud and dance stupid dances in my living room. Music is air. There will be no censoring music in my house. I want to encourage them to learn everything from playing an instrument to knowing every lyric on Eminem's Encore album. Well, maybe not track 1... but you get the idea.

2. Food.


I know it is very trendy to eat organically right now, but it actually is very important. Chris and I only buy organic groceries, but we aren't Nazis about it. I will try my best to stick with it and make it a priority as a parent, but you better believe I'll slap Kraft Mac & Cheese in front of them just as quickly if I don't feel like cooking.

3. Breastfeeding.



No. Way. I tried, ladies, I really did. I researched and researched and worked so hard to be open-minded about this but I just cannot do it. Don't worry, I will pump. I know how important it is for a baby to have breast milk for at least 6 months. But I'm sorry, breasts are for admiring. Breasts are for sex and porn and fun. There's nothing natural to me about a baby on your tit. I know that's so ass-backwards from how I should be thinking but N-O. Oddly enough my mom thinks the same thing. None of her four kids has ever even had breast milk. Mine will have it, but not straight from the source. Creepsville.

4. Cursing.


Another one you are probably going to hate me for. I love to curse. It gets my point across, it is part of my personality, and I don't believe in censorship. There is, of course, a time and place. It's all about respect. I know when to be proper and act like a lady and I would never curse AT anyone (unless it was called for). I also am not allowed to curse in front of Chris' son because his mother doesn't allow it and I respect that 100%. I just refuse to be someone I'm not around my own kids. I don't mean I'm going to encourage my 18 month old to say bad words. I just mean that I'm not going to NOT say bad words. I don't think they're going to need therapy if they hear mommy laugh and call daddy a shithead for leaving a wet towel on the bed for the 87th time. You call me a bad name? You get popped. You come home from school and say a bad word to describe how some kid was acting that day? Go for it. A spade is a spade and a bitch is a bitch. Just say the damn word.

5. Sexuality.


In my house, the only thing that is not tolerated is intolerance. If my child is gay, you better believe his mom and dad has got their back no matter what. I also don't believe in same-sex toys. My brother played with dolls and I played with hot wheels. There's no need to force an identity on a child just because of their gender. When I was a nanny, the mom told me how all of the toys were unisex so that her daughter wouldn't grow up thinking that she was wrong for liking something that other girls don't or vice versa. When she gets old enough to choose her own toys, there won't be any limitations. I like that.

6. Circumcision.


It just looks better. Sue me.

7. "The Talk"


I'm pretty sure from my views on censorship that you know where I'm going with this. There was one rule in my house: If you're old enough to ask, you're old enough to know. I knew everything there was to know and have always had a mother who will literally tell me anything I need to ask. And you know what? I didn't even kiss a guy til I was 17. You know why? 'Cause while all the parents of my girlfriends' in middle and high school weren't telling their kids about sex, they were racing to find out about it first hand. Me? I already knew and didn't need to. I can honestly proudly say that I've always worn protection and (obviously) never got unintentionally pregnant. I knew the facts, buddy.



Can you think of anything else important that I missed? Maybe want to know my thoughts on another particular parenting trait from a non-parent such as myself? Feel free to ask. I'm an open book. And keep those blogs going, you hot mamas. I love your lives and I'm proud of each and every one of you for everything that you are.