Reason #8: Your Mom Needs to S-T-F-U

*sigh*

The more I compose this list, the more I worry people will get the wrong impression of its purpose. My reasons for my Facebook negativity is completely personal; I cannot stress that enough. I want to be able to analyze my thoughts on the subject in a composed manner so I can make a decision about whether or not it can be a positive enough experience in my life despite its many flaws. I by no means want anyone to feel attacked or that I'm judging them in any form or fashion. Now that the disclaimer is over, allow me to proceed...

Tell your mom to STFU.

Ha, I kid, of course... well, sort of. (But if she doesn't know what "S-T-F-U" means, by the way, that just proves my point.) Somewhere between Facebook being open to everyone besides just college kids and the birth of Farmville *shutters*, middle-aged parents used their "index finger only" typing skills and made Facebook pages of their very own. Why do I loathe this with every fiber of my being? For the following reasons:

Nine times out of ten, our elders aren't even computer-savvy enough to even Facebook properly. How many hilarious screenshot fails have you seen where older people have posted incorrect or inappropriate things because of their failure to comprehend the difference between "messages" and "wall posts". Sure, it's funny... but then it just gets sad and annoying.



Oh, you're the one out of ten elders I spoke about that IS computer-savvy? Sorry, you aren't off the hook just yet. Another reason: just because you know HOW to Facebook, doesn't mean you are doing it properly. Proper Facebook etiquette (again, in my personal opinion) does not and should not ever include telling others how and why they should do certain things that they are revealing to you. If Jane Smith is having a "rocking party and is gonna get wasted" this weekend, that's Jane Smith's priority. If she is your real friend, you won't care anyway. If she isn't, then why the hell are you looking at her Facebook status in the first place? ...but I digress. The crime so many older people (particularly these people's parents) who have successfully navigated their way onto our Facebook pages are buzz-kill commenting and, well, shitting all over your good time. I literally had to block a friends' posts so that I couldn't read them because her dad would write 4 page comments reprimanding her for every little thing she did. Plus, this girl is 23 years old, dude. Not only was I experiencing some father/daughter drama just by reading her posts (awkward), I now want to strangle some strange man I've never even met before because frankly he is pissing me off. You aren't some cool parent getting let into the cool club by your kids because they accepted your friend request. You're just awkward. And annoying. Go away.




Now, with all THAT said, I do have some very well-behaved moms on my Facebook friend list so I by no means am talking about you guys. How do you know for sure? Because I actually am your friend on Facebook which means you've passed the test and aren't a party to either of the above scenarios I mentioned. You rock my world for beating the odds that are so stacked against you.

So there it is, reason numero ocho for wanting to be rid of Facebook entirely. See the hostility in my words just DESCRIBING the situation? Geesh. I'm going to take a much needed chill pill and contemplate my next rant.

Next up... Reason #7: Judge Not Lest Ye Be Blocked.

Reason #9: T.M.I.(Too Many Infants!)

...and no, it isn't what you think. I'm not at all going to knock anyone's choice to start a family young. That ain't my style. My "thing" about it is 100% personal. It may even be a flaw I have to work on within myself. But, like I said, I need to list reasons that Facebook gives me negative vibes and, unfortunately, everyone's baby-making is making me an anxious wreck.

I've spoken a few times about the pressure I'm under as a 26 year old woman with a husband and a stable household and good income. It's as if people are confused as to why I don't have children (well, except for my fellow childless couples; they know what's up). No one is breathing down my neck or making me do anything against my will, of course, but it is a personal issue I can't quite get a handle on. When I read blogs of other moms (which I LOVE to do!), I get glimpses into women's lives that seem so fulfilled. It makes me happy for them and I thoroughly enjoy feeling as though I'm sharing in the experience. For some reason, though, Facebook friends who routinely post about what's going on in their past, present, and future reproduction ventures makes me question, well, everything!



This idea that maybe I'm crazy to feel fulfilled without children creeps in. Everyday things I do for myself feel selfish because there's 47 other people who post simultaneously about the things they did for others all day. Some posts even spin my brain into wondering if I'll never really have a true grasp on life unless I create one. I begin to second guess my whole existence! I know, I know. I already said it's probably a flaw within myself to even think this stuff. It is absolutely no one's fault. It isn't peer pressure, it's "me" pressure. But with so many people going through pregnancy after pregnancy and sharing details of their lives that seemingly discuss their life with said child, fetus, infant, etc., I hardly have anyone on the other side of the spectrum along with me to relate to on Facebook.

So, sorry Zuckerberg. Somewhere out in cyberspace is a chain of friends who lead lives I can relate to via Facebook status on a daily basis. My friend list just ain't one of them.

Next up... Reason #8: Your Mom Needs to S-T-F-U

Reason #10: They're Going Down & They're Taking Me With Them!

I get it, people. You had a bad day. We all get 'em.



As a social norm, we write what and how we are feeling in our status update and undoubtedly you won't be feeling so great every day. Tires go flat, babies keep you up at night, professors can be a pain... that's life and Facebook is about, well, your life. There is a plus side to being able to log your daily (or hourly... you know who you are!) emotions and it isn't necessarily because everyone enjoys reading them. The most important side of having all your emotions journaled right there in chronological order is to see first hand what YOU are projecting out into the universe. Who you are is what you are projecting and self-projection these days is Twitter and Facebook... duh! I do it, too!

As a loyal Facebook-er, I have clicked on "Recent Updates" every day for the past 3+ years and can honestly say I haven't missed a single friends' status update. I scroll down until I get to the one I read before on the previous Facebook log-in and then I'm all caught up. Having done this so religiously for so many years, I have a pretty good idea of how everyone wants to be seen as a person. This isn't always a bad thing! Many of you have beautiful families or fulfilling lives that you update about in your statuses and I love reading them! I'm simply saying that if you had black and white pages of JUST your status updates for however long you've been on Facebook, you'll have a key insight on exactly what you are projecting to the world. Is this a good thing? Of course! Are you utilizing this vast technology to impliment change when some things look like they need to be worked on in your life? Hmmm... not all of you. 'Cause all evidence in most cases are to the contrary.

It is almost if people have bought into the notion that their life sucks and that's their fate! Status update upon status update of how many bad things are going on in their life pile up until all you really are projecting is grumpiness and bad attitude. I use to not notice, but on my journey to seek out the positive and weed out the negative I'm noticing more and more... some people just BREATHE negativity! Surely they aren't always having a bad day? If the archive of your updates reads nothing but bad days, it starts to look like pity-seeking. There's only so many friends who will continue to comment uplifting quips on your status, you Negative Nancy, before you become some eyeliner away from being an ignored emo kid.



Oh, and it isn't just status updates. I have friends from every spectrum of the political and religious arena and although I'm pretty set in my ways, I love emersing myself in the diversity. I noticed a very long time ago that I had become one of those people who were choking my friends with possibly offensive comments regarding my own views. Notice I said "a very long time ago"? As soon as I took advantage of reviewing my update archive, I cut it out quick. That person is not the person I wanted to be... or even liked! I used my epiphany to turn my whole prospective around and I've even become a better, less judgemental person because of it. Where, I ask, are these other people's epiphanies?!

Some are using Facebook as a soundboard for their views and opinions which of course is okay! What I don't feel is okay are the people who sound off their political views in order to insult and mud-sling. You wouldn't walk into a party and start saying how stupid a religion is and rant about how awful of a person others are for who they voted for in the last election, would you? At least if you did, you wouldn't be very well-liked. I'm all for "being yourself", or course, but since when did Facebook make it okay to throw out social decency and good ol' "how your mama raised ya" philosophies of right and wrong?

It's taken me a long time to admit this. I've honestly wanted to de-friend people for it, but haven't because I would feel like the ultimate hypocrite. What kind of person would I be for always advocating everyone get along with people from every walk of life and then de-friend the people who I don't get along with myself? In retrospect, I fear the backlash. But yes, it is hurtful and unfair to behave that way and shouldn't I be a bigger advocate for positivity? After all, if I'm on a mission to eliminate the negative from my life and YOU are negative... well... get my drift?

So there it is. Reason #10 to stop Facebook-ing. If it is going to become the norm for people to just be negative and announce it whenever the mood strikes them, well, that's your bag. I'm sure everyone's purpose in doing so is not to bring me down (at least I'm hoping!), but since it is doing just that, then I don't mind quietly looking the other way.

Next up... Reason #9: T.M.I.(Too Many Infants!)

Happy Thoughts & Pixie Dust!

I finally have internet connection, can you tell?! Hooray!

Now, to start, I have good news and bad news! I normally pick bad news first so the good news can cheer me up but in this case, either is not going to get us very far so I'm starting with the good! So the good news? I have a LOT to catch you up on! I went to Disney World for the FIRST time last week AND we moved into our new house finally! Details and memories galore! The bad news, however, is, well, I'm not in the mood to post it all just yet! I'll get it all together I PROMISE! It will be worth the wait!

Today, though, I want to talk about something that has been much more important to me lately. Believe me, Disney was a HUGE life-altering experience, but something happened on the plane ride to Orlando that changed my entire outlook on life... and it has opened the door to some big changes that I was in desperate need of!

I read a book about positive thinking. Nothing special in it; no tricks or gimmicks or things to buy to turn your life around... just advice on how good ol' positive thinking is the key to success and happiness and negative thinking is, well, the opposite. As soon as I read that negative energy is not the result of my circumstances but the REASON for it, light bulbs started flashing everywhere in my head like paparazzi photographs. I am my only excuse for the way that I feel because I'm in charge of the feelings I project! Well, after that, I can honestly say even Disney World, in ALL its glory, seemed even brighter than I could ever imagine. As soon as I turned my frown upside down (literally!) I felt on top of the world... and the feeling has NOT stopped! It's amazing how many things I was stressing about or allowing myself to bring me down. As soon as I used the steps in the book to flip the situation on its good side, I felt silly for ever letting things get to me! And it hasn't been just a mood elevator. I'm seeing things with brand new eyes. I'm feeling things I haven't felt since I was young and blissful. And the hard, negative things that keep creeping their ugly head? They are getting easier and easier to recognize and deal with; just simple obstacles I have to shed to a brighter and better me.



So like I said, the book didn't instruct on any specifics. It didn't come with a manual of Do's and Don'ts. It said to just trust your instincts about what is positive for yourself and what isn't. I've been going about my everyday life as normal, all the while reversing and rewriting things in my head so that my outlook stays bright. Up until yesterday I hadn't hit any snags or even done things too drastically different until... the epiphany.

Like most people, my daily routine includes several glances of various updates on Facebook. It has been a phenomenon, if you will, with almost 100 million people partaking as of today. I love seeing people's pictures and staying in touch with old friends that I don't normally see or hear from in my every day life. I'm so very thankful for Facebook in so many ways and so habitually drawn to it that it has become, like I said, part of my daily routine. However, my daily routine is what I've been keeping a closer eye on for negativity I have to work on, remember? And just like you don't assume brushing your teeth or putting on socks is a threat to your happiness, I didn't even THINK about Facebook ever being a threat of negative energy to ruin my day. However, there it was. I've grown antennae for happy thoughts and pixie dust on my quest to filter out negativity. Wasn't I in for a shock when I realized something I would have normally said I enjoy was harboring a swamp of negativity that is bringing me down?! (Disclaimer: Again, the book didn't specify what you should and shouldn't have to lead a happy life. This Facebook epiphany is my own; I'm not saying it is negative for everyone's journey and hopefully it isn't in yours!)

So before I get trigger happy and delete my Facebook account, I'm going to sit down and really commit to the why's and how's of why my little negative radar is beeping uncontrollably when it senses Facebook activity. Afterall, Facebook has brought me a lot of joy in the past so I at least owe it a fair and reasonable departure. I put a great deal of thought into it and I've created my very own 10 day program I so lovingly am referring to as the "Two-Faced"-book Countdown. Each day I will explain one different reason as to why Facebook should be filtered out of my routine. Not only will this make me see why this decision itself is a positive one, it will serve as a reminder when on the tenth day I undoubtedly freak out before hitting the "enter" key as Facebook asks me "Are you SURE you want to delete your account?". Yes, Facebook, I'm sure...

...hopefully.

Coming up... Day One. Reason #10: They're Going Down & They're Taking Me With Them!




(Oh, and I promise I haven't forgotten to keep you posted on Disney World and the new house... Spoiler Alert: it was UNFORGETTABLE!)

Meet Me Blog Party

It's official. I fail hard at keeping up with my blog! You haven't missed anything, though, I promise. I still have no update on the "whether I can have babies" thing and we don't have any new pictures of the house so... here's a fun blog thing going around that I found on Emily Parker's blog! You may or may not know a lot of this stuff already but, hey, it's an entry to tide you over! Feel free to copy and paste your own answers in your blog to join in!

(This bunny has a 'tude!)

Meet Me Blog Party!

Bio:
My name is Amanda Rawlins. I was born Amanda Wynn McClure and have 3 younger brothers: Clinton, Chandler, and Sterling. I met my husband in our high school art class and we dated on and off in 2004-2005. After years of not seeing each other, we met for lunch in November of 2007 and we haven't been apart since! We eloped in August of 2009 and we will be moving into our first house in March of this year. This year I will also be graduating college with an Associates in Applied Science and will hopefully be getting a job in drug rehabilitation.

Q & A:


Q: What would you be doing if you weren’t a (insert your profession here)?

A: Well, I'm only a student now so I'm currently unemployed. But my dream job would definitely be a sex therapist. I'd love to work with teenagers struggling with their own sexuality and older couples who want to strengthen their relationships physically.

Q: What are your hobbies?

A: Cooking and meal planning is a huge passion of mine. I also play video games.


Q: When you were little, what did you want to be when you grew up?

A: I always wanted to be a scientist that studied animal behavior. I'm a huge animal nut and know a crazy amount about wildlife.

Q: What are your guilty pleasures?

A: I LOVE trash tv. Teen Mom, Jersey Shore, all the "Real Housewives" shows... the more mind-numbing the better!


Q: What is your biggest fear?!

A: People leaving me. I have to try harder than most people to be "normal". I haven't had the easiest of lives and I use to make very bad choices. Although I have improved my life ten fold since those days, the experience of it all made me very "hard". It's a double edge sword to be tough-skinned; on the one hand I can handle the most nastiest of things life can offer, but on the other it becomes very difficult to be naturally kind and gentle. Sometimes the fear that I will not be understood for the good person I strive to be and will be left because of it is overwhelming.

Q: When you’re on vacation, where do you like to go?

A: Seriously... ANYWHERE. We don't vacation a lot and the only real places I've been is the beach and Washington DC. If you told me "pack up, we're going out of town", it would seriously not matter where.

Q: What’s the best advice you’ve ever received?

A: I think Sarah Palin is the worse possible choice in the world for a leadership position in our government, but I do love her personality and her vigor. It is ironic, to say the least, that my favorite quote to live by is straight from her mouth: "Don't retreat. Reload."


Q: What do you value most in others?

A: Tolerance and maturity. The world has far too few people in it who do not possess either. I try to see the good in everyone, but the only thing I refuse to tolerate is intolerance. Immaturity breeds a lack of respect and anyone who doesn't strive for maturity doesn't deserve my respect or anyone else's.


Q: If you could choose one of your personality traits to pass down to your kids, what would it be?

A: A perfect balance of Chris' soft heart and my brazen exterior. Chris fills the gaps within me that I don't have on my own and vice versa. A child with the perfect combination of each other's greatest qualities would be my greatest wish for him/her.


Q: If you could have lunch with anyone in the world….living or dead…who would it be?

A: Lucille Ball. Growing up, my red hair stuck out like a sore thumb and made it hard for me to relate to other girls. Because of this, I always grew up making my personality the first thing people noticed. I always thought Lucy and I were kindred spirits in that way, ever since I was very, very little.


Now tell us something random about yourself:

1) I was born without tonsils.
2) I have a third nipple which I am totally not embarrassed to show to people (haha!)
3) I didn't kiss a boy until I was 17.

... and another random something is that I am an open book. Feel free to ask me anything else you'd like, no matter what it is, and I will answer it!

Love Trumps Hate

Before I begin, thank you guys so much for all your support about my last post. I don't normally like to spill my guts about things that may be construed as "seeking pity", but I'm glad I did nonetheless. I am not the type to ask for help, but it was nice to hear all of your feedback. I loved the love. I promise to keep you all posted on whatever happens.

Any who, speaking of children and such, Cole is here for the weekend! Man, the things that come out of this mouth keep me on the floor with laughter. He is at this great age where he blabs about everything (even the latest gossip about his crazy bio-mom which Chris and I secretly love) and is wondering and questioning everything. He keeps us in stitches and loves to learn about life outside of his little shanty in Mississippi. I'm pretty sure you guys know how very, very liberal I am about people's beliefs and faith but I know many, many Christians who themselves would not agree with the way Cole is unfortunately being raised.

Chris' family and mine always joke that his mother's religion is a "cult". It's just a little inside joke, but if you know the details it isn't that far away from one. Every time I see her she is dressed very Amish... like long jean skirts and covered sweaters and no make-up. Chris explained that they believe women shouldn't wear pants. Members are also never allowed to wear bathing suits. I'm not necessarily saying these particular things make it a cult, but they also don't allow the children of the church to go to school because they don't want anyone to learn about science. They home school them in the hopes that only their beliefs are learned and nothing else. It is one thing to be a creationist, but to force your children to cover their ears and eyes to other ways of thinking? It's sad, really.

The good thing is, Cole seems to not be able to wait to ask us questions that he doesn't get answered at home... which Chris and I love! He is fascinated by dinosaurs and loves when we explain about how they lived millions of years ago (as he is taught by his mother's church that the earth is only 11,000 years old). He asks things about what Chris and I believe and he is starting to understand that everyone is allowed to believe whatever they want and that he isn't wrong for anything he believes and neither is Amanda and Dad for what they believe. It's almost like you can see his face light up when the things we answer for him make more sense than "Don't ask that, just worship God", which is what he says he is always told. It saddens my heart, but I know one day no matter how he decides to worship or what to believe, love will trump hate.

"Love trumps hate" is also a mantra I have to remind myself of a lot. Sometimes some not-so-great things come out of Cole's mouth, too, courtesy of some very close-minded and hateful things he is told. The other day he said that his mom told him that we were wrong for loving each other (meaning me and Chris). Shocked that someone so little and innocent could be told something so awful, we stared at each other. As patient as we always are when he parrots the horrible things his mother says (she apparently is quite the Negative Nancy and complains about things you should never say in front of your child), we asked him to explain. Basically it was just her religious nonsense about how because I am Chris' second wife that our love is wrong. And that's not even the real kicker. We know firsthand that she is engaged to someone and from our current knowledge, she's keeping it a secret. For whatever reason, she didn't want Cole to tell us. Um... hypocrite much? What kind of game does she think she's playing? Well, because Chris and I have eyes and ears everywhere, we are privy to her ongoings (which we have to do on our own because she refuses to communicate with us regarding Cole). When we put things into perspective about how she obviously loves her soon-to-be second husband and it is just the same as us loving each other, he totally understood. We even went as far to explain that everyone in the whole world is allowed to love who ever they want and just because someone says it is wrong doesn't mean it is... and we told him he has to listen to his heart. When we asked him what was in his heart, he said his heart told him that I was his family... and mine melted in turn.



It cut me like a knife to look at that sweet boy and see the questioning in his eyes just because he heard such a horrible thing from his own mother, the one person who should be showering him with love and not teaching him to turn from it. It made me physically ill to think that until we all talked about it together and set him straight that the light in his eyes were dim because she chose to spew hatred instead of encourage love. Love will trump hate in the end, though. Chris and I are happy and madly in love and he gets to see that in us every single time he's here. We don't tell him ugly things. We always even go so far as to talk about how we love his mother because she made him. When he's old enough, hopefully he will say "Hey, Amanda and Dad never talk bad about you, Mom, chill out" and the light and love he learns from us will outshine all her bad energy. I have 100% faith in this because Cole is a smart kid...

...even if the church he's currently subjected to teaches him that it's bad to believe dinosaurs came before man... sheesh.

Losing Control?

I have been in the biggest funk of the year. I honestly want to chalk it up to that "seasonal depression" everyone talks about. I hate Christmas, I hate the idea of a new year, and even though this year is only 14 days old, I hate 2011, too. There is no reason for this. I have absolutely no cause to be upset. I just... am. I can only hope it is psycho-semantic.



There has been some shitty stuff going on right now that I really do hope is not as bad as it could be. I've been experiencing some insane symptoms that Chris has been jokingly calling menopause. At first I thought it was crazy, too, but when I started thinking about it in the shower one day, I almost cut my leg open mid-shaving when I realized... my mother AND grandmother were also very young during menopause. Could I be, too??

Like I have mentioned before, my mother and I have an "abnormally" close relationship. I only say this because what is normal to me may not be normal to most people's relationship with their mother. As for me, I happen to know when my mother hit menopause and she doesn't mind me telling anyone else... it was 37. When I told my teacher this (who is a registered nurse, mind you), she suggested that my many random symptoms over the last few months could, in fact, be menopause. When someone under the age of 29 experiences this, however, they call it something else. Ovarian failure something-or-other... but I'm no fool. I'm drying up, no need to sugar coat it. And yes, I'm terrified.

Chris doesn't even know this, but at the realization that I may perhaps never be able to conceive my own children I closed myself into a public stall bathroom and wept. I haven't even decided whether we will even have kids but the idea of not being able to get pregnant sent me into a deeper depression than any sadness I've ever known. The only thing I can chalk it up to is being a woman. Sure, we may have the right, the ability, and the strong-will to make our own decisions as women but at the end of the day, we get to bear children and no one else can. It's kind of our thing... and to think that I may not be able to do it, well, knifes me in the gut. I was devastated... and have been for weeks. I know I need to go to the doctor and get checked out and have the "official test" to determine if my sadness is even warranted, but we haven't been able to afford it. Instead, I've been a nightmare.

It is insane how quickly the female body wants to get pregnant when the idea of not being able to sinks in. I use to be fearful of my possible ovulation period and now I so desperately want to get impregnated that Chris is too scared to come near me. I don't blame him, though, I'm scaring myself. Our nature doesn't care whether we can afford it or if we want to work children into our equation... my eggs want to be fertilized and nothing else matters. I'm not even in control of myself anymore. I ache to get pregnant like most people ache for supper after they've missed lunch. It sickens me that I can no longer convince myself that having a child isn't in the cards right now... I'm not in control at all.

I didn't plan to write this to gain sympathy or prayers. I may not have anything to even worry about at all and all this could be moot. It's just that I refuse to be one of those stupid bitches who think getting pregnant will change things or make their life better. Sure, babies change things and make you look at life differently but I refuse to have one for the sake of anything but to have one. To have something I can physically hold on to that exemplifies my love for Chris and his for me. When all the financial cards fall into place, as planned, we will work on it. Until then, I will have to tell my body to shut up and chill out. I'll have to roll with the punches on the off chance that I won't be able to conceive and yes, unfortunately, I will lock myself in the bathroom occasionally and cry about my misfortunes.

Be thankful for your choices, everyone. If there's one thing I shall learn from this is that not everyone gets one. Some people don't get chances, choices, or someone who will love them unconditionally. I, at least, have that... and he'll be coming home to me soon.