Better Late than Pregnant!

Okay, that title is just a little saying I like. I just think it's a funnier version of "Better late than never!"... which I definitely am. Late. Super late. Not pregnant late, but late on writing in my blog.

If you have a minute, I'll explain why I haven't. (If I haven't disappointed you with my sudden sabbatical to the point of disapproval). The main reason is, well, I lost my drive last summer. Oh, and my mind. Totally lost that, too. But calm down. I'm getting there. If you had a chance to read my last post before I very quickly took it down, it was about my excitement that my maternal instinct was kicking in and I wanted to have a baby. I was apprehensive and I thought surely my blog would help me get those feelings out in a positive way and even help me organize my thoughts, trials, and tribulations on the baby-making journey. Well, as quickly as I posted that blog entry, I had second thoughts. All of a sudden, it was scary... no, terrifying, to think of having a baby. Not in the normal, "good scary" kind of way either. All of a sudden (in true Amanda fashion) I was thinking of all of glass half empty reasons... but they were FAR outweighing the good.

This "maternal instinct" I was having seemed like a crock. I shouldn't be repulsed by making room for another being in my life. I should be ecstatic, right? Well, even posting that now-deleted blog entry seemed like a huge step in the baby direction. If I was so quick to back track on a blog entry, where would I be if I were pregnant?! So, instead of having a baby, I had something I'm a little more familiar with:

A panic attack.

I was a fucking lunatic. I yelled at Chris for things as trivial as wet towels on the bed. I couldn't sleep because of all the spinning and indecision going through my mind. I spent hundreds of dollars seeking that "shopper's high" (which, coming from a girl who has done her fair share of partying, is no high at all, bitches). Worst of all, I was losing myself and I didn't know why. I did know, however, that even the idea of a baby was mentally breaking me down. We called the goalie back in and put the whole thing on hold. Even Chris, in a much more put-together way, wasn't liking the idea of a baby much anymore.

So there I was. I was just about to graduate college so I focused on my internship and tried to forget the whole thing. Finally, I became the first person in my immediate family to get a college degree. I was elated. Chris was so proud of me and I felt really, really good for the first time since the panic attack. More importantly, I felt... worth.

And then it hit me.

Oh, duh! That wasn't maternal instinct at all that I had experienced and tried to unsuccessfully formulate into reality! It was a need for WORTH. Wow, that made so much more sense than the baby stuff. I immediately felt better. I went on the job hunt of the century the microsecond they handed me my degree and in two weeks (and some kind of record in THIS economy) I got a job. THE job, to be exact.

And that's where I've been, folks. Working, ironically, at an OB/GYN. Turns out I love babies! ...as long as they're in utero. But now that I've taken a big deep breath and have my life (somewhat) on track, I'm cool to blog again.

Welcome back, bitches.