There has been some shitty stuff going on right now that I really do hope is not as bad as it could be. I've been experiencing some insane symptoms that Chris has been jokingly calling menopause. At first I thought it was crazy, too, but when I started thinking about it in the shower one day, I almost cut my leg open mid-shaving when I realized... my mother AND grandmother were also very young during menopause. Could I be, too??
Like I have mentioned before, my mother and I have an "abnormally" close relationship. I only say this because what is normal to me may not be normal to most people's relationship with their mother. As for me, I happen to know when my mother hit menopause and she doesn't mind me telling anyone else... it was 37. When I told my teacher this (who is a registered nurse, mind you), she suggested that my many random symptoms over the last few months could, in fact, be menopause. When someone under the age of 29 experiences this, however, they call it something else. Ovarian failure something-or-other... but I'm no fool. I'm drying up, no need to sugar coat it. And yes, I'm terrified.
Chris doesn't even know this, but at the realization that I may perhaps never be able to conceive my own children I closed myself into a public stall bathroom and wept. I haven't even decided whether we will even have kids but the idea of not being able to get pregnant sent me into a deeper depression than any sadness I've ever known. The only thing I can chalk it up to is being a woman. Sure, we may have the right, the ability, and the strong-will to make our own decisions as women but at the end of the day, we get to bear children and no one else can. It's kind of our thing... and to think that I may not be able to do it, well, knifes me in the gut. I was devastated... and have been for weeks. I know I need to go to the doctor and get checked out and have the "official test" to determine if my sadness is even warranted, but we haven't been able to afford it. Instead, I've been a nightmare.
It is insane how quickly the female body wants to get pregnant when the idea of not being able to sinks in. I use to be fearful of my possible ovulation period and now I so desperately want to get impregnated that Chris is too scared to come near me. I don't blame him, though, I'm scaring myself. Our nature doesn't care whether we can afford it or if we want to work children into our equation... my eggs want to be fertilized and nothing else matters. I'm not even in control of myself anymore. I ache to get pregnant like most people ache for supper after they've missed lunch. It sickens me that I can no longer convince myself that having a child isn't in the cards right now... I'm not in control at all.
I didn't plan to write this to gain sympathy or prayers. I may not have anything to even worry about at all and all this could be moot. It's just that I refuse to be one of those stupid bitches who think getting pregnant will change things or make their life better. Sure, babies change things and make you look at life differently but I refuse to have one for the sake of anything but to have one. To have something I can physically hold on to that exemplifies my love for Chris and his for me. When all the financial cards fall into place, as planned, we will work on it. Until then, I will have to tell my body to shut up and chill out. I'll have to roll with the punches on the off chance that I won't be able to conceive and yes, unfortunately, I will lock myself in the bathroom occasionally and cry about my misfortunes.
Be thankful for your choices, everyone. If there's one thing I shall learn from this is that not everyone gets one. Some people don't get chances, choices, or someone who will love them unconditionally. I, at least, have that... and he'll be coming home to me soon.
I am sorry to hear that. It's so easy to say no children when you have the option and know/think it will not be a problem incase you might change your mind. As much as Josh and I dont want kids, I would probably be just as upset if I was told I .never. could. Keep your head high until you go to the doctor because you dont know 100%, and remember you can pretty much think yourself into it (like women who believe so hardcore they are pregnant that they even lactate - forgot the term for this). Have you thought about freezing your eggs? You xan probably get insurance to cover it because of your situation.
ReplyDeleteOh man my heart aches for you. I personally never really wanted a baby - I never liked them and still don't! even when zach and I decided to start trying I didn't have that want for a baby like you're describing. i just simply thought it was time to do it so i did it. And look at the precious boy I now have! As a mother I would hate for anyone to miss out on the experience. We only live once ya know? if you are nervous or feeling like you want a child why not just go for it? if we all waited until we could afford kids then most people would never get to have them! and if it's not in the cards then it won't happen anyway ya know? just my thought! but keep us posted on how the dr goes once you get an appointment - hopefully it's no news and you've got plenty of time to make such decisions! saying a prayer for ya :)
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