A Letter to No One

To Whom It May Concern...

From the bottom of my heart, I never meant to hurt you. My life has been a tangle of leaping before looking, falling fast and landing hard. If you were caught in the crossfire of a much too intricate web I weaved, it was never my intention to get you stuck. I've never wanted anything more but to learn and to love. Both experiences have, at many times, been harsh and necessary, lovely and brutal. Depending on where the stars were aligned on the particular day our paths crossed, any number of perceptions of me could've been made. I can only hope your memory of me is a positive one, but I'm no fool. If thinking of me sears your heart like an unexpected flash of sun, from the bottom of my soul I am sorry.

I'm no stranger to my misguided actions and divided intentions in the past. Every day I learn more about myself and every day I become a better person, sparing anymore victims of my naivety of life. I only wish I could show you who I am now, but I know it would only be a reminder that it is all to late to rearrange those stars. Instead, just know I think of you often. I have vivid dreams of you now and again that wake me up changed. Love and devotion of your memory washes over me in those moments. Where ever you are and who ever you became, your impact on me was permanent, whether heavy force or gentle touch.

Love Always & in My Mind,
Amanda


...Do you guys ever have the most vivid dreams that actually make you feel completely different the next day? Like it wasn't just random memories jumbled together into nonsense, but a real-life experience? If you have, you aren't alone. Mine happen almost all the time. My latest one was particularly unique. It was someone who is a very important part of my past that, for me, may as well not exist any more. This person isn't forgotten, but they are gone forever with no possibility of re-appearance. I never knew to acknowledge that fact or even decide on what emotion I feel about them anymore... until this dream. I woke up sad and happy all at the same time. Sad that I may be the sole reason they are gone and happy that us growing apart was probably the best thing ever to do for both of us. Not existing in someone's life anymore sometimes is the best thing for everyone. Because of this, I can never tell them how I truly feel.

I tell everyone how I feel and hate "unfinished business". A college professor once told me that writing them a letter you never send might be the best remedy. If I were to write one for everyone that I will never send it to, it would go just like that letter. No postage and returned to sender.

Baby Whoa's

Whoa. That's what I want to say to people when they ask me if I have kids. "Whoa".

Or any variation like "Easy there" or "Slow your role, partner".

There is SO much pressure to start a family after you've gotten married. It's ridiculous. I'll never forget the first time I heard it said to me. It was when Chris and I "got engaged" (we had really already been married but we didn't tell anyone until later on... I should probably post about that?)...ANYWAY! The two of us were at an anniversary party for my great aunt and uncle. I had been use to the "AGH! Let me see the ring!" and the ever popular "How did he propose?!". Then, from somewhere in the crowd, the ooh's and ahh's subsided and a random relative turned the tides. When I first heard "So when are you guys having kids?!", I'm pretty sure my brain went vacant for a moment. Kids?! Seriously?! I had just already decided to make a life long commitment to another human being and now you want me to CREATE a human being to make yet ANOTHER life long commitment to? Seriously... whoa.

I guess I've never thought to question people's motives so the idea of asking someone when or if they plan to start a family has never crossed my mind. I never grew up with this concept that life had a beat to follow. Until I got engaged, I never thought of any sort of plan that people had for how they were organizing their life. I'm coming to learn that the people who think the opposite of that, however, are the ones who ask you where YOUR kids are and whose eyes pop out of their head when you tell them you aren't planning on any. I actually had an ex question the legitimacy of my relationship with Chris because I haven't been wanting a family. See what I mean? Again, whoa.



I have to admit that the pressure isn't just coming from other people. It may stem from peer pressure, but I sometimes catch myself muddling over the reason I'm not having kids and then end up pressuring myself. Sometimes a baby will smile at me from its stroller at the mall, my heart will melt, and I swear I can feel my ovaries release an egg. And if I happen to pass by a Gymboree at that exact moment, it's game over and I start contemplating baby names. It makes me wonder if my surge of estrogen is that "maternal clock" I apparently keep hitting snooze on or if it's all just pressure to conform.

It's only when I realize that a baby's car seat would look really crappy in my bright orange two-door Tiburon that I realize it was all just pressure.

That isn't the ONLY reason, of course. (But you have to admit that's a good one.) What I hate more than the pressure is the judgement. Those "life choice questioners", no matter how many great reasons you give them, they always chalk it up to selfish. Sure, I'm not stupid, you can spin all my own reasons into "selfish" if you wanted. I don't want a pregnancy janking up my body. I like nice furniture. I like spending alone time with my husband. I like peace and quiet. I like loud parties in my home. I like the occasional lunch that goes so long it turns into dinner and then drinks and ends well into the night. And I suppose the most "selfish" reason of all is:

I DON'T WANT TO TAKE CARE OF A BABY.

Is that so wrong? I mean, sure, it looks bad when I put it all in caps like that, but does it really make me a horrible person? No, I think not. I read an article that said 68% of women are more irritated than concerned when their babies wake up crying in the middle of the night. A shocking 91% of divorced women believed that their marriages could have possibly been salvaged had they not had children to contend with. I believe that. Chris and I fight loudly a lot of the time. We're passionate and short tempered, but it works for us and we always work it out. It's hard for me not to yell when I'm mad or for Chris to not scream profanities and throw things when he's losing a video game. When Chris' son comes into town, (which is only once every two months) we play nice, of course, but it never feels normal. If we had to zip our lip ALL the time like that because of our own children, I'm convinced we'd never resolve issues. Instead, we'd silently begin to resent the other and would ultimately smother the other with a pillow.



The final thing I don't understand about all this baby pressure is the infamous motto of a "life-choice questioner". Drum roll, please...

Being a mom is the hardest job in the whole world.

...Ok! You win! I always thought cleaning up dead bodies from crime scenes would be the hardest, but I promise, I'm taking your word for it! With that said, how can someone possibly say that infamous line and in the same breath question why I'm not signing up to do it?!

Baby Enforcer: "Hi, would you like to do the HARDEST job in the world and only be paid in unconditional love?"

Me: "Well, that love part sounds good, but, hardest job in the WORLD? I'm going to pass..."

Baby Enforcer: *head explodes from confusion*


So listen everyone, I don't know when or if I'm going to have a baby. Sometimes I envision what Chris and my baby would look like, but that could just be the grown-up version of doodling his last name as mine on a trapper keeper. Sometimes I imagine baby names. Mostly though, I enjoy the silence, a midday beer, and sex in the kitchen whenever I want...

...and if that's so wrong, I don't want to be right.

Cupcakes and Muffin Tops

Well it's been a few since I posted about going on a diet and tomorrow will be the end of my 3 weeks on Atkins so here's an update:

It's going great!

I've lost 11 lbs so far and my jeans already fit better! I'm not a huge fan of numbers on the scale, so jean and dress sizes are what I really focus on. I didn't realize 11 lbs was that big of a deal until I went dress shopping for a friend's wedding this Saturday. You know how when you shop you just grab the selections in your size and there's always one thing right before you go into the dressing rooms that would be perfect but you totally don't see yourself fitting into it? Well thankfully I grabbed that one "wishful thinking" dress and it was THE one! All the other ones I grabbed in my size didn't even fit anymore! Hooray for me!

Don't get me wrong, I'm still no where near "jealous-worthy" yet. You know, that magical size you wish you were so that others will be envious of YOU for a change. I said my jeans are fitting better which means my muffin top still exists, it just isn't AS noticeable. There's still a long way to go until I fit into those size 6 jeans I haven't worn since... well, never. I bought them on accident YEARS ago and they hang sadly in the back of my closet, losing hope they'll ever be worn every time I eat a cookie. Well don't worry, size 6 pants! I'm coming for ya!

And speaking of cookies... they are ALL I think about. Well, that's a lie. I'm also thinking about brownies, peanut butter ice cream, chocolate ANYTHING, and worst of all... CUPCAKES. I'm not even a sweet-tooth kinda gal! My guilty pleasures have always been potato chips and big macs. RARELY do I want anything sweet! But this no refined white flour, sugar, and lack of anything sweet altogether diet has got me dreaming about bakeries and endless supplies of raw cookie dough. Pictures of gourmet, colorful cupcakes are my new porn. I watch Food Network and salivate... literally SALIVATE while staring at the non-stop cake baking shows... and when you realize that just hearing the word "butter cream" makes you hot, shit gets real.



All that aside, however, I haven't cheated! Not once! I even survived the aftermath of the dreaded "monthly cycle" without so much as a chocolate chip. If I can accomplish that, I know I can do anything. But these cupcakes really are killing me and I want so badly to bake them... even if I don't eat one! I wish I knew if I can withstand that kind of pressure. If you know me, you know I LOVE to cook. Baking has never been a real specialty of mine, but I have been absolutely dying to play around with all these recipes. Should I risk it, though? I could always make them and give them away to other people like my classmates and my family... right?

What do you guys think? Will trying my hand at all these gourmet cupcake recipes curve my appetite... or my hips?

In the meantime, I'll test my other options and continue my parade of cupcake website porn... but just for the articles, of course.