A Letter to No One

To Whom It May Concern...

From the bottom of my heart, I never meant to hurt you. My life has been a tangle of leaping before looking, falling fast and landing hard. If you were caught in the crossfire of a much too intricate web I weaved, it was never my intention to get you stuck. I've never wanted anything more but to learn and to love. Both experiences have, at many times, been harsh and necessary, lovely and brutal. Depending on where the stars were aligned on the particular day our paths crossed, any number of perceptions of me could've been made. I can only hope your memory of me is a positive one, but I'm no fool. If thinking of me sears your heart like an unexpected flash of sun, from the bottom of my soul I am sorry.

I'm no stranger to my misguided actions and divided intentions in the past. Every day I learn more about myself and every day I become a better person, sparing anymore victims of my naivety of life. I only wish I could show you who I am now, but I know it would only be a reminder that it is all to late to rearrange those stars. Instead, just know I think of you often. I have vivid dreams of you now and again that wake me up changed. Love and devotion of your memory washes over me in those moments. Where ever you are and who ever you became, your impact on me was permanent, whether heavy force or gentle touch.

Love Always & in My Mind,
Amanda


...Do you guys ever have the most vivid dreams that actually make you feel completely different the next day? Like it wasn't just random memories jumbled together into nonsense, but a real-life experience? If you have, you aren't alone. Mine happen almost all the time. My latest one was particularly unique. It was someone who is a very important part of my past that, for me, may as well not exist any more. This person isn't forgotten, but they are gone forever with no possibility of re-appearance. I never knew to acknowledge that fact or even decide on what emotion I feel about them anymore... until this dream. I woke up sad and happy all at the same time. Sad that I may be the sole reason they are gone and happy that us growing apart was probably the best thing ever to do for both of us. Not existing in someone's life anymore sometimes is the best thing for everyone. Because of this, I can never tell them how I truly feel.

I tell everyone how I feel and hate "unfinished business". A college professor once told me that writing them a letter you never send might be the best remedy. If I were to write one for everyone that I will never send it to, it would go just like that letter. No postage and returned to sender.